i've been thinking..

a couple days ago, a boy asked what i look for in a guy. it took me by complete surprise, so the best that i could come up with on the spot like that was "a good sense of humor." ever since then, i've been thinking about what i actually like in a guy. then i had an epiphany.

i want someone who will make me smile when i'm feeling bad about something.
i want someone who isn't afraid to joke around with me.
i want someone who can trust me,
someone who will tell me what he's thinking and how he's feeling.
i want someone who can make me feel absolutely, downright sexy.
someone who i can just think about and smile.
someone who's protective and a little jealous, but not overly so.
someone who i can count on to be there for me, someone i can trust.
someone with a good sense of humor.

after accumulating this list over the course of a couple days, i realized something.

the boy who asked me what i like in a guy is the one who actually has everything i ask for and a little bit more.

as embarrassing as it is to admit, for the first time in my 16, almost 17, years of existence, i've fallen. hard. very, very, very, disgustingly hard.

i've turned into the main character in a romance novel.
i was on the phone with the one person who i can tell anything to and they immediately understand my rational behind it, someone i've known my entire life. my best friend, lauren.

she told me that it was summer. she told me that because it was summer, there were no more rules. she said that he must really be an amazing guy for me to have actually fallen.

that helped me so much. although we all have wrongs in our lives, i shouldn't let something trivial like that stop me from actually feeling for the first time.

oh boy, oh boy, OH BOY.

i can't believe i just wrote about this, but i needed somewhere to collect all my thoughts. only one person reads this anyways, so it's not that big of a deal.

this is too new to me. i'm really used to turning off emotions as i please. i'm used to being all nonchalant about boys, thinking that something will happen if it's supposed to and not truly caring about the outcome of anything. it's like i've actually opened up my eyes for the first time.

this is weird. i can't turn off these emotions. i can't stop thinking about him.
i'm completely and totally helpless.
and it scares the living shit out of me, to be honest.


xxoo