i know i've been dancing around the truth...

tell me what the hell i'm supposed to do?

i've been thinking..

a couple days ago, a boy asked what i look for in a guy. it took me by complete surprise, so the best that i could come up with on the spot like that was "a good sense of humor." ever since then, i've been thinking about what i actually like in a guy. then i had an epiphany.

i want someone who will make me smile when i'm feeling bad about something.
i want someone who isn't afraid to joke around with me.
i want someone who can trust me,
someone who will tell me what he's thinking and how he's feeling.
i want someone who can make me feel absolutely, downright sexy.
someone who i can just think about and smile.
someone who's protective and a little jealous, but not overly so.
someone who i can count on to be there for me, someone i can trust.
someone with a good sense of humor.

after accumulating this list over the course of a couple days, i realized something.

the boy who asked me what i like in a guy is the one who actually has everything i ask for and a little bit more.

as embarrassing as it is to admit, for the first time in my 16, almost 17, years of existence, i've fallen. hard. very, very, very, disgustingly hard.

i've turned into the main character in a romance novel.
i was on the phone with the one person who i can tell anything to and they immediately understand my rational behind it, someone i've known my entire life. my best friend, lauren.

she told me that it was summer. she told me that because it was summer, there were no more rules. she said that he must really be an amazing guy for me to have actually fallen.

that helped me so much. although we all have wrongs in our lives, i shouldn't let something trivial like that stop me from actually feeling for the first time.

oh boy, oh boy, OH BOY.

i can't believe i just wrote about this, but i needed somewhere to collect all my thoughts. only one person reads this anyways, so it's not that big of a deal.

this is too new to me. i'm really used to turning off emotions as i please. i'm used to being all nonchalant about boys, thinking that something will happen if it's supposed to and not truly caring about the outcome of anything. it's like i've actually opened up my eyes for the first time.

this is weird. i can't turn off these emotions. i can't stop thinking about him.
i'm completely and totally helpless.
and it scares the living shit out of me, to be honest.


xxoo

ne vem.

translation: i don't know.

i started work on monday, and let me tell you it is amazing.
i love everyone i work with. i usually burn myself with hot coffee at least once a day, but that's not too bad. and there's sometimes surly customers, but, hey not everyone's in a good mood.

julianna is coming over tonight. it's gunna be a party ((:
so many people from my past have come back into my life this summer and i can't be more stoked about it!

i've decided i'm putting everything behind me and only looking forward.


the future is so bright, it hurts my eyes when i look toward it.


i love my life.


xxoo

dive in.

the most important and useful saying i've ever heard in my life is *live and let live*.
it's the greatest line to live by.
in short, don't waste your time trying to change others, because it will always end up badly. it's impossibly useless to spend YOUR life worrying about what others are doing in theirs.
you'll life will pass more quickly if all you do is worry.

calm down, take a deep breath, relax.

live your life the way that you want to.
let others do the same.
and you'll find peace and happiness.

easier said than done, i know.
but if you try it'll become habitual.
and that's all you can ask for; perseverance.

just a little something to let you know you're still on my mind.

i can't believe i'm standing here
in the middle of the ICU downtown.
seeing you laying there,
is enough for it to finally get to me & start the breakdown

i'm watching them now,
holding your hand,
and whispering goodbyes in your ear for the last time

how did we get to this?
it was only two weeks ago when we got the news.
how did we get here?
me having to say goodbye to you?

i don't want you to go
please take my hand
i'll hold you here, with us, all night
because i can't stand
for you not to be in my life
after all this time..
i don't want you to go.

you taught me so much,
like how to love.
xxoo


on a semi-lighter note, i'm confused.
moodswings are giving me whiplash.
one minute, angry.
next minute, passive aggressive.
the next minute, super friendly.
and now, being ignored?
i'm not sure. i think things are okay between us?
but then something happens to make me think we're not?
i just don't knowwww.

i'd like it to be how it was before,
but it's hard to change change.

goodbye, DC.

it's amazing how easy it is for life to change.

i was away from boring old ohio for only 5 days, and now i've come back changed.
for the better. i've grown so much since the 7 hour drive down to Virginia.

there was a lot of firsts for me down in Woodbridge. First time smoking hookah, first time getting my cartelidge pierced, first time on a motorcycle, first time playing pong against college kids & winning, first time riding on top of a moving vehicle, first time breaking into a baseball field, ect. (there's more but i'd rather not say them on the internet... haha)

needless to say, a lot of those things changed my perspective a little. it was nice to feel so free and rowdy and full of life. completely spontaneous, completely un-innocent.
it. was. a. rush.

not to mention hanging out with family. mainly my beatass cousin & all his friends. (;


while i was down there, i realized i missed so much up here. i missed my family (dad's side ONLY), my friends, the noises of trains whistling while i'm falling asleep.
all the little things that seemed so trivial, were now essentials. it helped me realize how much i love it here.

anyways, i just got back from a drug test for my new job & i really hope i pass.
i don't do drugs, but i'm always scared there will be some sort of freak accident or something. ah well, fingers crossed?

BY THE WAY; i missed you. & i'm glad everything's okay now (:

soy un perderdor

NOTE: this post is not meant to offend anyone. i vent the way i want to. the reason you can't exactly tell who this is about is because i wrote it that way. and, since you can't tell, it'd be really nice if you could hold off telling people i wrote it about them until you know for sure.
thanks,
xxoo



i'm a loser, baby. so why don't you kill me?

kind of sick of having to constantly worry i won't get an invite.
yes, i am a loser.
yes, i am not the prettiest, smartest, or bubbliest person around.
but, because of that, doesn't mean you get to dictate if i'm important to have around or not. next time you pull this shit, i'm calling you out.

if you think someone's cool, don't change your opinion to match the opinion of someone you want to impress.

seriously everyone talks shit on everyone else in those kind of groups. you can't trust anyone, and at the end of the day, no one has your back.

i'd rather have real friends than fake ones, even if it means i'm not the stereotypical popular girl.
honestly, i couldn't care less, and i think you should know that.

WAKE THE HELL UP.
ten years from now, 90% of this shit won't even matter.
stop wasting time trying to impress everyone and start living for yourself.

if you care what other people think, you become their prisoner.

that is the most important quote to live by.

stay real, please.

& you. please don't change. we liked you better before you started acting like a bitch.

xxoo

"i am a god."

have you ever had one of those days where absolutely everything is going right? today is that day. i woke up feeling gorgeous, something that has never happened for me before. i can finally say that i'm completely happy with myself. i feel like a weight has been lifted off of me, and i'm so excited!

the only drawback is that on friday i went to a party and shared drinks and cigarettes with a my friends and a couple randoms. so now i'm really sick, but it's just a cold. possibly the flu. i'm loading up on vitamin C and green chai tea. 7 days and it'll be gone.

i feel so good about myself, and i'm over being lonely. i'm over it, well, because i'm not anymore.

talking to new people, and i'm going into this will my head held high in confidence. i'm so excited to open this new chapter of self love in my life and i'm going to make sure it lasts as long as possible.

i'm on top of the world, and not much could make me feel better than i do right now.

<3

all i can do is just laugh.

third time's a charm.

every guy i like always goes for my best friends, or my best friends go for them. pretty soon i'll run out of friends, then maybe it'll be my turn? who knowsss.

kinda bummed out, but hiding it well (i hope). i'll just go listen to some third eye blind, pack, and find a good outfit for tonight.

i usually do so good on my own, but lately i've been feeling kind of.. single. extremely single. it's easier to be single when your friends are single, but so many of mine are now committed. blah. oh well, it'll happen if it's supposed to.

stars.

i'm starting to become more and more apathetic, but life's good in my drugged haze.

i really do love my life, but sometimes i don't like it. the only people in the whole world i don't get along with are my mother and her side of the family. is that weird? It bums me out to see every friend i have be super close to their mom when i can't be. i'm really really close with my dad though, and without him in my life i have no idea where i'd be now. i think about that all the time; how i would have turned out if i only had my mom in my life. i'm not going to lie, i think i'd be pretty screwed up without him and all of his side of the family to keep me sane.

in two weeks exactly it'll be 8 months that my grandpa's been gone. not a day goes by where i don't think about him or pray for him. since his death i've developed this OCD habit where i can't go to sleep without seeing a star. i read somewhere that an ancient eskimo proverb says that stars aren't really stars, but that they're holes in heaven where the light of our lost ones shines down on use to let us know they're happy & safe. ever since then, i have to see a star somewhere in the sky to know he's happy and safe out there somewhere.

it may sound weird, but i really don't care. it's my own personal way of making sure he's safe & that he knows he's still loved.

to all of you who have never seen someone die, i hope you never have to. i didn't actually see my grandpa die, but i saw his spirit die.

on september 24, 2009 my dad and i were supposed to go see a concert at the house of blues in cleveland. my grandpa had not been feeling well the whole summer, and the doctor's couldn't figure out why. they thought he might have a stomach ulcer, but then the biopsy was negative. in august he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, that had spread to his liver and bile duct. they had to put a stint in to relieve the blockage of his bile duct which was making him super jaundice. anyways, the night of september 24th, my dad and i got a call from my aunt saying that they were at the cleveland clinic ICU and the doctors had given my grandpa only 12 more hours to live.

we rushed to the downtown hospital with my cousin. i'm not going to lie, when my dad told me that my first reaction was that the doctors were wrong somehow, that this wasn't going to really happen. it didn't truly hit me until we walked into the ICU on the 6th floor, to room J6, where my grandpa was. as soon as i saw him, i lost it. i couldn't stop crying. i felt a little embarrassed to be crying instead of trying to be strong for my family. i couldn't help it.

he was laying in a hospital bed, IV's and a blood bag hanging behind him. he had a giant tube down his throat to allow him to breathe, and he was on a breathing machine, even though he could breathe fine on his own. he was heavily sedated because of the enormous amount of pain caused by the cancer that morphine alone couldn't fix. my grandma was at his side praying, and my dad was sitting down, holding his hand and whispering his goodbyes.

when it was my turn to say goodbye for the last time, i didn't know what to say. All i could think of was "hi, grandpa. it's me, amanda." i couldn't bring myself to actually say goodbye. it was too hard. his hands were cold.

for some time everyone went in the waiting room except me, my aunt, and my grandma. i stood next to my grandma, holding my grandpa's cold hand, trying to warm him up while my grandma prayed the prayer of divine mercy. she had placed a small wooden cross over my grandpa's heart and held a rosary in her hand.

the thing that tore me apart the most that night was hearing my grandma's voice crack during one of her Hail Mary's and seeing her sigh, and place her forehead against my grandpa's, and then she started to cry. that cut me so deep to see her in that much pain. it was the most emotional and horrible thing i've ever seen to this day.

i will never, ever forget that night. it's burned into my memory permanently.

my dad eventually made me and my cousin go home. I hugged my grandpa one last time, kissed him on his forhead and said "i love you grandpa, and i'll see you tomorrow. get some rest". it was a thursday night, and my dad had planned for me to go to school the next day. my cousin, Michelle, and i decided to ditch school and go see grandpa in the morning anyways.

it took a while for me to fall asleep, and after praying vigorously, my exhaustion lulled me into a deep sleep. i woke up the next moring at 5:30 AM to my dad knocking on my door to tell me that grandpa was gone. He had died at 5:00 AM.

I couldn't belive he was actually gone. I still can't believe it. I keep thinking that when i go over to my grandma's he'll be there. but he won't be ever again.


i decided to write about this because i need to get it off my chest. I need to write about him so everyone will know what a great man he was, and so his memory will live on.

Now i'm sobbing like a baby, but it was well worth it.

Rest In Peace, Grandpa.
December 24, 1932 - September 25, 2009
I love & miss you. <3

i never felt alone, until i met you.

this is my first blog ever, and i'm not quite sure how to start it off. i guess i'll just ramble on a bit until i get it figured out.

i'd like to talk about negativity today.

someone once said that we are all roses, and the negative things in our life are like weeds choking and sucking the life out of us, making us wilt and lose our shine.

exponentially true statement.

we're all born happy people until the ways of others influence our lives. it's fair to say that everyone in this world is negative sometimes. sometimes is alright, it's the day to day negativity that gets people in trouble. i'm here to tell you that by thinking and being positive, you'll only attract other positive people, making your life a hell of a lot better.

instead of looking in the mirror and pointing out what you deem the "bad things" about yourself, focus on the good things. for example: "i don't have the clearest skin, but my eyes are so intense that people focus more on them than my blemishes."

boom. negativity turned into positivity. it's so simple to point out the negative things in every situation. who wants to live simply?

i'm here to challenge you to live life in a way that is a bit more complex. negativity is simple, while positivity is complex. be positive, and you'll soon make it a habit. you'll have better self esteem, better confidence, and better relationships.

who doesn't want all of those things?

as nike says, just do it.

(: