i know i've been dancing around the truth...

tell me what the hell i'm supposed to do?

i've been thinking..

a couple days ago, a boy asked what i look for in a guy. it took me by complete surprise, so the best that i could come up with on the spot like that was "a good sense of humor." ever since then, i've been thinking about what i actually like in a guy. then i had an epiphany.

i want someone who will make me smile when i'm feeling bad about something.
i want someone who isn't afraid to joke around with me.
i want someone who can trust me,
someone who will tell me what he's thinking and how he's feeling.
i want someone who can make me feel absolutely, downright sexy.
someone who i can just think about and smile.
someone who's protective and a little jealous, but not overly so.
someone who i can count on to be there for me, someone i can trust.
someone with a good sense of humor.

after accumulating this list over the course of a couple days, i realized something.

the boy who asked me what i like in a guy is the one who actually has everything i ask for and a little bit more.

as embarrassing as it is to admit, for the first time in my 16, almost 17, years of existence, i've fallen. hard. very, very, very, disgustingly hard.

i've turned into the main character in a romance novel.
i was on the phone with the one person who i can tell anything to and they immediately understand my rational behind it, someone i've known my entire life. my best friend, lauren.

she told me that it was summer. she told me that because it was summer, there were no more rules. she said that he must really be an amazing guy for me to have actually fallen.

that helped me so much. although we all have wrongs in our lives, i shouldn't let something trivial like that stop me from actually feeling for the first time.

oh boy, oh boy, OH BOY.

i can't believe i just wrote about this, but i needed somewhere to collect all my thoughts. only one person reads this anyways, so it's not that big of a deal.

this is too new to me. i'm really used to turning off emotions as i please. i'm used to being all nonchalant about boys, thinking that something will happen if it's supposed to and not truly caring about the outcome of anything. it's like i've actually opened up my eyes for the first time.

this is weird. i can't turn off these emotions. i can't stop thinking about him.
i'm completely and totally helpless.
and it scares the living shit out of me, to be honest.


xxoo

ne vem.

translation: i don't know.

i started work on monday, and let me tell you it is amazing.
i love everyone i work with. i usually burn myself with hot coffee at least once a day, but that's not too bad. and there's sometimes surly customers, but, hey not everyone's in a good mood.

julianna is coming over tonight. it's gunna be a party ((:
so many people from my past have come back into my life this summer and i can't be more stoked about it!

i've decided i'm putting everything behind me and only looking forward.


the future is so bright, it hurts my eyes when i look toward it.


i love my life.


xxoo

dive in.

the most important and useful saying i've ever heard in my life is *live and let live*.
it's the greatest line to live by.
in short, don't waste your time trying to change others, because it will always end up badly. it's impossibly useless to spend YOUR life worrying about what others are doing in theirs.
you'll life will pass more quickly if all you do is worry.

calm down, take a deep breath, relax.

live your life the way that you want to.
let others do the same.
and you'll find peace and happiness.

easier said than done, i know.
but if you try it'll become habitual.
and that's all you can ask for; perseverance.

just a little something to let you know you're still on my mind.

i can't believe i'm standing here
in the middle of the ICU downtown.
seeing you laying there,
is enough for it to finally get to me & start the breakdown

i'm watching them now,
holding your hand,
and whispering goodbyes in your ear for the last time

how did we get to this?
it was only two weeks ago when we got the news.
how did we get here?
me having to say goodbye to you?

i don't want you to go
please take my hand
i'll hold you here, with us, all night
because i can't stand
for you not to be in my life
after all this time..
i don't want you to go.

you taught me so much,
like how to love.
xxoo


on a semi-lighter note, i'm confused.
moodswings are giving me whiplash.
one minute, angry.
next minute, passive aggressive.
the next minute, super friendly.
and now, being ignored?
i'm not sure. i think things are okay between us?
but then something happens to make me think we're not?
i just don't knowwww.

i'd like it to be how it was before,
but it's hard to change change.

goodbye, DC.

it's amazing how easy it is for life to change.

i was away from boring old ohio for only 5 days, and now i've come back changed.
for the better. i've grown so much since the 7 hour drive down to Virginia.

there was a lot of firsts for me down in Woodbridge. First time smoking hookah, first time getting my cartelidge pierced, first time on a motorcycle, first time playing pong against college kids & winning, first time riding on top of a moving vehicle, first time breaking into a baseball field, ect. (there's more but i'd rather not say them on the internet... haha)

needless to say, a lot of those things changed my perspective a little. it was nice to feel so free and rowdy and full of life. completely spontaneous, completely un-innocent.
it. was. a. rush.

not to mention hanging out with family. mainly my beatass cousin & all his friends. (;


while i was down there, i realized i missed so much up here. i missed my family (dad's side ONLY), my friends, the noises of trains whistling while i'm falling asleep.
all the little things that seemed so trivial, were now essentials. it helped me realize how much i love it here.

anyways, i just got back from a drug test for my new job & i really hope i pass.
i don't do drugs, but i'm always scared there will be some sort of freak accident or something. ah well, fingers crossed?

BY THE WAY; i missed you. & i'm glad everything's okay now (:

soy un perderdor

NOTE: this post is not meant to offend anyone. i vent the way i want to. the reason you can't exactly tell who this is about is because i wrote it that way. and, since you can't tell, it'd be really nice if you could hold off telling people i wrote it about them until you know for sure.
thanks,
xxoo



i'm a loser, baby. so why don't you kill me?

kind of sick of having to constantly worry i won't get an invite.
yes, i am a loser.
yes, i am not the prettiest, smartest, or bubbliest person around.
but, because of that, doesn't mean you get to dictate if i'm important to have around or not. next time you pull this shit, i'm calling you out.

if you think someone's cool, don't change your opinion to match the opinion of someone you want to impress.

seriously everyone talks shit on everyone else in those kind of groups. you can't trust anyone, and at the end of the day, no one has your back.

i'd rather have real friends than fake ones, even if it means i'm not the stereotypical popular girl.
honestly, i couldn't care less, and i think you should know that.

WAKE THE HELL UP.
ten years from now, 90% of this shit won't even matter.
stop wasting time trying to impress everyone and start living for yourself.

if you care what other people think, you become their prisoner.

that is the most important quote to live by.

stay real, please.

& you. please don't change. we liked you better before you started acting like a bitch.

xxoo